Must customs be cast in concrete?
See the comments.
posted by Shira Salamone at 9:48 PM
Sunday, May 02, 2010
About Me
- Name: Shira Salamone
Once upon a time, I belonged to a left-wing egalitarian Conservative synagogue, where I was one of a number of women who wore a tallit—and one of the few members who used an Orthodox prayer book (adding the Mothers, of course). Having moved since then, I now belong to a right-wing traditional Conservative synagogue, where I’m almost always the only woman wearing a tallit—and one of the few members who adds the Mothers. I seem destined to be forever . . . on the fringe.
PUBLIC SERVICE POSTS
- Park your ego at the door: Links to my series "On raising a child with disabilities"
- Parenting 101
- Febrile seizures: Life-saving information
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15 Comments:
See next comment.
Keep going, please.
Kindly be patient.
Just a couple more.
Last one.
This is another one of my (in)famous "hidden" posts, published in the comments to make it difficult for my co-workers to see it. At this point, I imagine that at least some of them realize that I'm a blogger, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I want them to read what I say about folks at the office.
This post was actually written on Wednesday, June 2, 2010, 20 Sivan, my mother's first yahrzeit (anniversary of death).
I took some kosher pastries to our Women's Tehillim (Psalms) group today, and told them that the goodies were in honor of my mother's first yahrzeit. The organizer of the group asked me my mother's Hebrew name, and I answered. She asked me again, and I answered again. When she still didn't seem to understand the answer, I began to wonder whether my pronunciation was really that bad. But it turned out that she'd never heard anyone give both the person's father's and mother's names at the same time, and asked me where I'd learned to do that. Not wishing to get into an argument about egalitarianism with an Orthodox Jewish co-worker, I replied that it was my personal minhag (custom).
She explained to me that we always use the mother's name when praying for the sick because we're sure who the mother is, but the father's identity is, technically, in question. (We always call men to the Torah using their father's name so as not to cast possible aspersion in the presence of a Torah scroll.) But after a person dies, since our prayers will have no effect on the person's health, we switch to the father's name.
I had two reactions. One was that many people have a much more literal belief in the efficacy of prayer than I do--when I pray for a person's health, I'm expressing a hope, rather than expecting a result. The other was that it's quite enough that my mother's grave is marked with a stone--I see no reason why every little custom should be cast in concrete as well. All I'm trying to do is honor both parents. Why is that considered such a disrespectful breach of tradition?
I'm a traditionalist all the way. If it was good enough for the old country, it's good enough for me.
So, when my wife (she who bore my four children) said "I want the kids named using both of our names" I said "ok. if it's ok with the rabbi, it's ok with me." And so they were.
Anything that seems to remotely involve women's issues instantly acquires a ton of baggage in contemporary O circles.
And the defense of custom, just because it is custom, is also part of the bedrock of contemporary O. Not to say custom cannot change, but rather that custom needs to have a positive reason to change, and that reason must be positive in the eyes of halachic authority.
I find your coworkers argument re: prayers for the sick to be a denial of Hashem's omnipotence. You think he can't figure out who you are praying for? You think he's such a legalistic stickler that he'll say "Ha! You were praying for Ploni ben Alomi, but the Ploni you were praying for is actually Ploni ben David. I guess I'll find some other Ploni ben Alomi to credit your prayer to. This is, in Wolf's phrase, vending maching Judaism.
JDub, so you're following in the ancient tradition of listening to your wife, eh? That's an excellent strategy for preserving shalom bayit/peace in the family. :)
"Anything that seems to remotely involve women's issues instantly acquires a ton of baggage in contemporary O circles."
So I've noticed. :(
"custom needs to have a positive reason to change"
I would think that a desire to show respect to both of a person's parents would be a good reason.
"I find your coworkers argument re: prayers for the sick to be a denial of Hashem's omnipotence. You think he can't figure out who you are praying for?"
I'd love to throw that accusation in my co-worker's face, but I like my job and can't afford to offend anyone.
"This is, in Wolf's phrase, vending maching Judaism."
"Vending-machine Judaism"--now *there's* a memorable phrase. In my opinion, segulot are a form of "vending-machine" Judaism.
Yes the term vending machine Judaism was first used in the context of segulot.
So Brooklyn Wolf attributes the term "vending-machine Judaism" to Lawyer-Wearing-Yarmulka. It's certainly memorable.
Thanks for the link, Larry.
I thought that the reason one uses a person's mother's name was to remind G-d of the danger and sacrifice the mother went through to give the person life. So G-d saves the person, because of the merit of the mother who risked her life to give birth.
Chava, I like that explanation better than the one my co-worker gave me. Thanks.
But I'm still using both parents' names whenever I'm in a place in which using both names won't get me into trouble. Egalitarianism is not a one-way street.
shira/chava:
the "pain your mom went thru" is a post hoc justification. It's detailed in the halachic literature that we assume the dad is the dad, because he will be the dad the majority of the time, but the mom is definitely the mom.
When I was in yeshiva, the Lubavicher rebbe was dying. We'd say a mi she'berakh for him, but the first few times, we couldn't get his name straight, and one of my rebbeim yelled (I was the gabbai) "I'm pretty sure God knows which Menachem Mendel you're talking about!"
"It's detailed in the halachic literature. . . " Yes, but why leave good enough alone when we can come up with multiple explanations? :)
JDub, that's a great story!
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